Credit Card Demons

The holidays have taken what little money I had. Why do I fall for that trap every time? Why do I always buy more things than I need to buy? I never even listen to my own advice. How many times did I say, “No one cares what you get them. No one cares if you buy them junk.” But then I go out and I buy junk.

It’s a compulsion.

Plain and simple.

And it’s hard to break out of it. Like alcoholism or sex addiction or chronic OCD, I’m addicted to spending. And why not? Why is that such a big surprise? I live in a capitalist country. I live in a city where 99% of employers are retail chains or fast food restaurants. Isn’t that America these days? Nothing but retail shops. Nothing but places for you to spend every last penny you’ve earned on total crap.

I guess alcoholics, after they give up booze, they start to see alcohol everywhere. Every time they visit someone, they’re offered beer. Every time, they go out to eat, there’s a wine/beer menu sitting right on their table. Every time they drive down the street, there’s a billboard with someone drinking.

It’s no different for us shop-a-holics either. For those of us possessed by the demons of credit cards. Every time I turn on the TV, there are a thousand commercials all telling me to open up my wallet and spend, SPEND, SPEND!!! And every time I’m at someone’s house, they’re telling me all the things they recently bought. Every time I go outside, I see billboards and signs for sales. Every time I close my eyes, I see dollar signs and new purses and new shoes and new clothes and new every thing I really don’t need but I feel I have to get.

I’ve become Cathy. I’ve become a cartoon character that spends compulsively. How does one break out of this cycle. For a short while, I can tell myself enough is enough and I need to curb the spending. But I never hold out that long. I can never keep the spending demons at bay. They always take over me, possess me and force me to betray my wallet.

Well, I’m depressed. Only a few days since Christmas, and I’ve already lost that holiday cheer.

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I’m so frazzled. I’m poor. Dirt poor.

Oh wait, let me stress how poor. I have no money at all. My bank account is empty. Thank God it’s pay day. I’m about to lose two of my roommates, which means my rent will almost double at the end of the month. I can’t seem to find any roommates anywhere I look, except of course for creepy old men with which I wouldn’t feel comfortable living.

All of these credit cards are killing me. Even without the cards, the high cost of my student loans sucks me dry each month. Well, today I attempt to close down another store card. I’ve already cut it up…a Sears card. Who needs it? Not me. Now I have to call them up, most likely fight with someone tooth and nail to get the card canceled, and then hope, cross my fingers, it was actually canceled.

Every card I cancel is like a small weight lifted from my shoulders. If only I could cancel rent and student loans…

M.

Sometimes, I just want to blow my brains out. Well, not literally. Hmm, not figuratively either. I guess I’m just fed up with all the bills. I can’t find a good job in my area. I keep thinking, maybe I should move, but then I remember, I can’t afford to move. And then I think, well, maybe I should go back to school, get a masters degree, get a better job, but then I remember I can’t afford my current student loans, how could I afford even more on top of that?

It’s always MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!!! I hate it. Why can’t we live in a world without money? I’m so sick of worrying about it all of the time. I’m so sick of being in debt. I’m so sick of worrying about being in debt. I want a vacation from my life.

PLEASE!

M.

Remember when we were little kids, and we couldn’t wait until it was Christmas time. For someone who is in awful credit card debt, I can tell you I no longer count down the days until Christmas. During the holiday season, I meander between pessimism and outright panic.

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